May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I have been dating this man for over six months and he wants to marry me but my mother does not like him. Her complaints are he is from edo state and that he is not rich. What do i do because i love him?
K.P
OSUN
I think she should be made to realise that love is the most important factor in a union and not money or state of origin. What if the man gets rich in future? Or what has state of origin has to do with the future of a marriage? Dont quarrel with her but let her know you are in love already and not ready to leave him for these reasons.

 

 

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May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I am 30 years old and married with two children. But my wife has never been happy since the first day of marriage. I asked her what was wrong but she would not answer,rahter she would sy she knows what shes doing. I have tried all i could to please her – cook if she is not back from her shop and boost the business with over 500,000 – yet she is not happy with me. She is expecting aour third child, yet she ios not happy. What do i do?
M.L
ABUJA
Then open up to her parents  if they can probe her and tell you what is happening. On the other hand, Some she may be suffering from  psychological trauma due to certain incidents. You have done all to please her but you need to confide in her parents.

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May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I have been in a relationship for 11 years but we have been married for four years with three children. I have never enjoyed material bliss and everything became a nightmare when i hd my first child. My husband calls me names in the presense of his friends and family members,to the extent that they dont respect me. He beats me up whenever there is an argument and he does not take me or children out.Whenever i go out  with my friends;he refers me as a lesbian! Now, I have started avoiding my friends. I have not received any gift from him neither does he kiss or hug me. I am thinking of leaving him but my mother disagreed  because of my children. I cannot bear it anymore. What do i do?
P.J,
LAGOS
I would not advise divorce because these issues are subject to changes as long as both of you are determ9ned to build a peaceful home together. I know something went wrong somewhere because you did not say  he was like that during the seven yeras of courtship. It is wrong for a husband to insult his wife before his relative but dont adress it violently. As a wife ,learn to make peace;understsnd what he complains about and which areas he wants change from you too. On the issue of spousal abuse,do all you can to avoid arguing with him. Dosent he have someone he respects that you can report him to? Please find out and see if that will work
Also,do you have a means of his livelihood? If he continues this way you should be prepared of facing the reality of living without him
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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz

1. Select wisely. Some men are just serial cheaters and you can do nothing to stop them. However, you will be able to identify them quite easily.

Serial cheaters crave attention and will flirt with anyone around, whether it is a waitress, boss or their neighbor. They usually have a lot of female “friends” around. They might confide that the reason they broke up with an ex-girlfriend was her “trust issues.”

If you see one or more red flags, stay away. It is not worth it, there is a very slim possibility that you can “fix” him. 50 Ways To Strengthen Your Relationship

2. Remember, cheating is almost never about sex. Most men cheat because they need validation of their manhood. They want to feel big and strong and want an ego boost.

Anthony Weiner’s affair began with a woman complimenting him on Facebook, saying that one of his speeches was “hottttt.” Do not wait for other girls to compliment him. Make sure he feels validated and appreciated in your relationship. By doing this, he does not have to seek validation externally. Is Cyber Sex Cheating?

3. Be his best friend. The more connections you have, the less likely he is to treat you lightly. If you are his best friend, you share everything, you have hobbies together, you know everything that is happening at his work and he knows everything about your life. If he cheats, he has more to lose by hurting you. Therefore, he is less likely to venture out.

4. Educate him. Sometimes, it is important to identify boundaries. If you treat boundaries seriously, if fidelity and loyalty are very important for you to feel secure in the relationship, tell him. Tell him, “I love and respect you, but if you even think of cheating on me, this love and respect can be lost and I can’t help it because loyalty is important to me.”

5. Grow and change. Grow together and separately. Grow as a person and do not melt in your relationship. Look for new hobbies, books, movies and projects that expand your horizons and challenge your comfort zone.

People who have a thirst for knowledge and fun are great to be around. Surprise him and yourself by changing. Try new hairstyles, looks, designs and makeup techniques. Go for a date in a different restaurant or try a new holiday destination. For more dramatic change, change your career if it does not satisfy you or move together to a new place.

 

We have deliberately given just 5 out of 7. We want our readers to add the remaining 2 and much more. So, kindly use the COMMENT box below to give yours.  DO NOT FORGET to Share this article to your friends using the facebook button by the side…

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz
In the beginning, I was living the dream …

At the ripe old age of 30, I saw him while working out at the gym. He was blond, 6′ 1″ tall, good looking, and in great shape. Our eyes met across the room several times and instead of giving him an inviting glance, I looked away. I felt awkward and nervous, my confidence faltering.

He came over and I learned he had just moved to Kansas City. At that point, I’d been living in Kansas City for almost 4 years and dated guys, but hadn’t yet met one I was truly interested in. We clicked instantly and started spending most of our time together. He was new to the area, didn’t know anyone, and we fell into an instant relationship. It truly felt like I was living the dream.

Six months after we met, my job promoted me and I relocated to southern California. My excitement of moving back home to live near my family and friends was even greater when he decided to move with me. I felt excited for him to meet my family and friends, since I thought he was the one I would marry. Little did I know at the time that this one critical move would stress me out for years to come.

Like most beginnings, things were magical. And when things are magical, it’s easy to overlook the subtle, yet critical, things that really matter.

I became stuck in the “in-between” while living with my parents.

We stayed with my parents while looking for our own place. 1 month turned into 6 months and during those months, he would tell my parents to keep the noise down, saying it was bothering me when it was actually bothering him. Although my parents showed concern for me, they never said anything bad about him. They even loaned him their car so he wouldn’t have to buy his own.

Because unhappiness set in for him soon after our move, he made molehills into mountains. Small things set him off and caused his mood to sour. He didn’t know anyone in southern California and was unhappy about the kind of people he was meeting. He was rude to my friends on the phone at times, and his dislike for traffic limited where we went.

These unsettling feelings sat in the pit of my stomach from being caught in between him and my parents … and his unhappiness. I either dismissed those feelings or talked myself into being more understanding because I thought love is innately hard and requires us to make sacrifices. After all, he made a sacrifice by quitting his job and moving with me.

Things aren’t perfect in the middle stages of most relationships. It’s during this time that it’s especially important to listen closely to your intuition.

Things turned for the worse when we started living on our own.

Six months later when we moved into our own place, I believed things would go back to being magical like they were in the beginning … they never did.

I wanted to feel optimistic about us and believed we were going to marry. There were moments of happiness interspersed with long periods of uncertainty, confusion and stress. These moments, optimism, and fears about getting older and having to start over kept me staying 4 years too long.

If I was self-aware, self-confident and courageous, our 5 year relationship would have lasted a year. Instead, I let so many things—beliefs about love being hard and sacrificing myself, fears about not finding anyone else, over-thinking things, guilt, responsibility for his happiness, etc.—keep me stuck.

The time finally came when I just knew it was over. And when I finally decided to break up with him, those unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach dissipated and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The angst that filled me from sacrificing so many parts of myself made way for me to begin knowing myself.

When I knew that it was over and decided to end things, I still felt angst and great sadness. The difference was, I was more committed to loving myself by doing what was best and healthier for me.

Most endings are painful; that’s why we call them endings. Yet, endings also lead to new and wonderful beginnings.

And from these new beginnings, I found the courage to leave.

A year after our relationship ended, he contacted me and apologized for the way he was in our relationship. He said that if I still wanted to get married, he wanted to marry me. It’s ironic how the words I most wanted to hear from him back then were words that I no longer wanted to hear.

For years, I was critical of myself for being in a 5 year relationship that shouldn’t have lasted that long. I wondered why I wasn’t able to find the courage to break up sooner when the signs to leave were clearly there. Then, I remembered this quote: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes, courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow,” by Mary Anne . That is how I finally found the courage to leave.

 

If you know you should leave and are finding it difficult, remain patient and compassionate with yourself. I believe you are here because you’ve been courageous enough put yourself out there in the name of love. This is for sure: when you have had enough, you will just know. And when you know, that is when you’ll have the courage to leave.

If you’re feeling stuck in a relationship and know you should leave, what is one thing you can start doing?

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz
Krista Haapala sees her partner for who he is… and exactly what makes him so great.

By Krista Hammerbacher Haapala

1. He owns his power. 

A quality man stands strong in his choices. He balances his time with a clear connection to his priorities. He chooses to be exceptionally committed in each of his roles whether partner, father, professional, or others. He accepts responsibility for his actions and never blames or shirks his duties.

2. He uses direct, honest communication.

A respectful man will trust you with the truth. You know where you stand. He doesn’t lie or manipulate the facts. He is confident in his ability to communicate emotion in a productive way. He seeks solutions to issues without any passive-aggressiveness or power struggle. He maintains a demeanor of patience and compassion knowing that is the strongest stance.

3. He makes you feel secure in his presence.

A man who views you as an equal wants you to feel safe. He goes out of his way to see that your needs are met. He never intimidates or bullies, and would never resort to name-calling or talking about you with anyone else. Those behaviors are foreign to him. He respects your needs and does not judge. He wants you to feel his love.

4. He is chivalrous out of caring, not obligation.

A secure man wants to pamper you out of love, not because people think he should. He trusts your ability to take care of yourself, but is fulfilled when he can do things to take care of you. He gives gifts and attention mindfully, not just when it is called for or when it suits him. He is uninterested in how things look to others, but focuses on how your relationship feels to you.

5. He accepts, but does not expect, your caregiving.

A solid man is deeply grateful for everything you do for him. He expects nothing, but accepts your caregiving for the act of love that it is. He views you as a partner, not a housemate or a mother or his personal assistant. He asks for what he needs trusting you will ask the same of him. He is quite able to take care of himself, yet gracefully welcomes the support you choose to provide.

6. He works hard and plays hard.

A mindful man knows his boundaries and maintains his wellness. He gives his best to work and family and knows when to play. He treats his body in a balanced way. Resentment has no place in his life because he makes the space for what he knows he needs for holistic health. He exudes positive energy and values fun.

7. He overestimates your abilities.

A confident man is not threatened by your abilities nor does he diminish your strengths. In fact, he sees your capability through an optimistic lens. Never comparing or judging, he upholds the vision of your potential even when you are discouraged or depleted. He delights in and celebrates your success.

8. He asks permission.

A considerate man does not tell, he asks. Respectful of your opinion, he assesses your thoughts and takes your emotions seriously. He is decisive, but not unilaterally. He attempts to maintain focus on your common goals and vision. His permission-seeking honors the equality of agency in your relationship.

9. He listens.

An attentive man leaves plenty of space for you to share. He genuinely enjoys actively listening to your perspective and thoughtfully responds. He is constantly curious and passionate about learning how you are evolving. While he looks forward to contributing to your conversations, he takes his time to hear you out. His listening is easeful and caring out of love, not duty.

10. He loves boldly.

A loving man embraces vulnerability. He touches generously to feed your spirit. He makes eye contact. He shares his emotions regularly in word and deed. With peace and stability, he gives you his heart over and over. He is steadfast in his love and trusts in your love’s return.

 

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz
He was the man of my dreams. So I went for it. And I don’t regret anything.

The last thing I expected from my senior year high school internship was to fall for an older, married man. I was looking to learn about the TV news business. I wasn’t interested in finding romance and I certainly wasn’t after a husband.

But when I met Tom our connection was immediate. I was 17; he was 42. He was old enough to be my father (though my real dad was 59 at the time). But the significant age difference didn’t impede the attraction either of us felt.

It was easy to forget about the 25 years that separating us while I was busy daydreaming about Tom’s deep voice, hearing about his crazy, drug-fueled life in the 1970s and seeing the authority and respect he commanded wherever he went.

Whenever we spoke, our age difference seemed to melt away.

Over several months, our relationship slowly progressed. We went from two people with a mutual attraction to an employee and intern that had crossed multiple lines.

For the first time in my young life, I felt confident, and knew our relationship was the major reason. The early stages of our affair were exhilarating. I always thought I was having a much better time than my classmates.

But reality was not far from my mind. A quarter-century age difference was extreme.

And Then My Parents Found Out. And His Wife.

A month prior to the end of my internship, my father, a retired Nassau County, N.Y. detective confronted Tom outside a local hotel early on a dark, dreary Saturday morning. Word was out on our affair, and it wasn’t pretty.

My mom and dad couldn’t believe their teenage daughter had spent the night with a much older, very married man.

Andrea, Tom’s then wife, was distraught—and rightfully so. My parents made me call her to apologize, and the conversation was agonizing. What do you say to the wife of the man you’re madly in love with?

“I’m sorry I had sex with your husband” doesn’t really roll off the tongue, especially when you’re far from sorry, and your connection with her husband is stronger than hers.

I also figured it best to forgo telling her I loved her husband. It’s not exactly what a wife wants to hear from another woman or, in my case, a teenager.

Morally, I knew our actions were wrong but Tom was no longer in love with his wife. At that point, their marriage was only a bond represented on paper. I was 18, legally an adult and in love, and not remorseful for my lustful actions. I also knew our feelings for one another were genuine.

It pained me to hear others categorize my feelings as a crush, or say that I was just falling for him because I was desperate for male attention. I couldn’t believe all the passion, adoration, and heartfelt laughs between us were fake or wrong.

There Are Definite Perks To Dating An Older Man

The lies we told to steal moments together were dishonest, but our love was real.

About a year later, after Tom had spent many a night in my college dorm room, our romance was still in full force, and Andrea finally told Tom he had to leave their home. He hadn’t left yet because uprooting yourself from your job, children, family, and life as you know it isn’t a Tuesday afternoon task.

It takes months of saving money, planning and goodbyes. Several months later, we had an apartment together in downtown Philadelphia.

Although it wasn’t always easy, the more time passed, the more we realized our fight to keep our relationship afloat was worth the effort. After living together for four years, we married in October 2003.

Even though no one freely admits this, there are advantages to dating an older man. They have better emotionally stability and a stronger sense about what they want out of life and a relationship. Older men are more capable of caring and not just thinking about themselves.

And let’s just hope that a 45-year-old man has a better grasp on his finances than his 25-year-old counterpart.

Plus, the sex, in my experience, is spectacular. An older guy knows the importance of sexuality and sensuality. He cares about learning the curves of your body and knowing what makes you curl your toes.

He notices if he does something that makes you cringe with revulsion. Mature men appreciate your youthful, supple flesh in a way younger men can’t, since they’ve seen firsthand what happens with age.

And There Are Some Downsides

Of course all these benefits come with a price, like the dark winter day I crouched in his attic before being confronted by his wife, or the mix of euphoria and complete self-hatred I felt the warm summer morning Tom and I drove away from his home, leaving behind his wife and two young children.

But it’s said that nothing in life is easy, so when I found true love—the man I firmly believe to be my soul mate—I didn’t walk away because the situation was complex.

If living with Tom’s children on weekends meant I could live with Tom for the rest of my life, I was game. It wasn’t a difficult decision to make.

In any relationship, you learn to take the good with the bad, but when you get involved with a much older man, you definitely have to be prepared to be judged. People, other women mostly, will wonder if you have ulterior motives and think there is no substance or love to your relationship, just blow jobs for money.

Middle-aged women often gave us looks of total disdain, and one even flipped us the bird on our wedding day.

Add to that your parents, who are likely to be concerned about your well-being. They’ll wonder if you’ll truly be happy with someone who was out of college before you were even born. They may mention that he’ll likely die before you and that you’ll be left alone.

My parents were certainly filled with anxiety about my decision, but I stood my ground and let them know they could not force me to change the way I felt.

My mom came around to the idea faster than my father, as I think is to be expected. After she spent time with Tom, she understood why I was in love. So while you may be tempted to keep your parents and your older man apart, letting them interact is crucial.

Let them see why he makes you smile.

Jealousy Is Only Natural

If anything, jealousy is sometimes an issue. Sure, any of us can exhibit the green-eyed monster, but in large age-gap relationships, this is more of a factor. In my experience, Tom was terribly jealous about me being surrounded by guys my own age when I was in college.

Over and over again I had to reassure him the 20-somethings discussing beer pong and porn really did nothing for me.

But by far the biggest factor in a relationship like mine is baggage. Are you ready to deal with your boyfriend’s children? What about his ex?

You must understand that an older man led a lot of life before he met you and accept his past to make your future together work. My advice: Don’t get hung up on the paths he took earlier in life. Focus on your life as a couple and what you want to achieve together.

If you’re in a May-December relationship or contemplating one, just remember that, like any relationship, it takes compromise and compassion to make it work. When people look at Tom and me, maybe they see our age difference, but hopefully they just see a happy couple in love.

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz

Been wondering why the man who cheated on you is also furious at you? Where does he get off blaming you when he was the one who cheated? When my ex told me he was leaving I kept asking him why he was so angry with me, what did I do that was so terrible? He insisted that it wasn’t about me.

“Why do you always think everything is about you?” he’d snap at me. I guess he meant it was about her since he had fallen in love with someone else. Then why was he so angry at me? Why did he blame me for the demise of the relationship, why did he seem to feel entitled to leave me for someone else, why the constant rage?

According to Catherine B. Silver, in an essay in Cut Loose; edited by Nan Bauer-Maglin, “Dumping someone is certainly an act of fear, aggressiveness and symbolic violence. When an individual dumps a partner he expresses narcissistic rage comparable to a child’s temper tantrum.” It is that act of aggression that makes men who dump a wife or girlfriend for someone else different from a man who cheats but remains in the relationship. Is Infidelity a Form of Domestic Abuse?

Why are some men so cruel?

  • Neediness: He needs you to admire and approve of him, but he hates himself for having these unacceptable, “unmanly” needs. They need us to be “mommy” because their own mothers let them down.
  • Middle Age: When men hit middle age this internal conflict between wanting a lover and a mommy intensifies. They see that most of their life is over and they’re never going to get whatever it was they wanted from mommy, i.e. admiration, unconditional love. They direct their hatred at us, their longtime wife/mommy combo, because they’re so dependent on us. Finding a new love cuts the umbilical cord. Of course the same pattern repeats with the new love, but by that time the marriage/relationship is long over.  Self Loathing and The Cheater

I couldn’t understand why my ex never expressed remorse for what he’d done to me after leaving me for another woman. He had remorse over what he had done to our daughter but none for the pain he had caused me. He’d always been extremely concerned about me while we were married, worried about my health, mental and physical. He’d always apologized every time he blew up at me. I was stunned at his coldness.  Understanding The Pain and Rejection of Infidelity

An Inability to Empathize:

He did say to me on various occasions that he felt guilty, but he never apologized or showed any empathy for my suffering. “Infidelity is harder on women, who are more vulnerable to feelings while men are a law unto themselves,” explains psychoanalyst Simone Sternberg. “Men don’t allow themselves to empathize with women’s suffering. It’s too threatening. Also underneath a man’s supposed indifference or even hostility is self-hate which they project onto the wife. They can’t afford to empathize or they’ll have to experience the full force of that emotion.”

 

Dear reader, which gender do you think often fall victim of infidelity? Any live experience to back it up will be highly appreciated. Thanks.

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