May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I am 25 years old and a final-year undergraduate.I met this man through his sister, whi is my friend. He is 27 years old and works in an oil company in delta state. We became friends and after a while, I had a vision that he is my life partner. When i told him about this, he ws so happy but replied that though he also wanted me, He would not give me an answer yet until he had prayed about it too Later, i found out that he took me as a cheap girl, who was throwing herself at him! I had to send him message that i was no longer interested and he replied that he was happy at my decision and waited for it all this while.  Really,I saw this vision,not that i lied, What do i do?
A.D,
LAGOS
Since you had a vision that he was yours may be you should have exercise patience and not sent the text message. I don’t think it was wise telling him about the vision. That was why he ended up seeing you as cheap. You should have also prayed for God to show him the same vision inorder to avoid any confusion. Now that he has said no, I suggest you pray about it again.

 

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May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I am 30 years old and married with two children. But my wife has never been happy since the first day of marriage. I asked her what was wrong but she would not answer,rahter she would sy she knows what shes doing. I have tried all i could to please her – cook if she is not back from her shop and boost the business with over 500,000 – yet she is not happy with me. She is expecting aour third child, yet she ios not happy. What do i do?
M.L
ABUJA
Then open up to her parents  if they can probe her and tell you what is happening. On the other hand, Some she may be suffering from  psychological trauma due to certain incidents. You have done all to please her but you need to confide in her parents.

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May 8th, 2015 by heartmatterz

I met this girl in your december 2013,edition.initially,distance was our challenge but we resolved that on january 13, 2014, when she visited me for the first time. We ended up in bed. I was stunned the next day when another suitor slept with her. prior to our meeting,she had shared her dirty past with me on the three abortions she had. She said she was sleeping with friends boyfriend and her  room-mates in school. She slepts with men even those she come across on the internet. She can have sex anywhere including her parents house and shop. The worst was when she got a job in lagos and had to put at  her uncles place. Vexed by her unrepentant character,I visited her there,slept with her forcefully and called it quits.Did i go too far?
O.B,
Ondo.
yes you did go to far. That she is unrepentant of her ways is not sufficient for you to rape her. Obviously,you never loved her but wanted her body and not ready to help her. Meeting anyone(male or female) on this platform is not to have cheap sex or extort money from them. It is for two consenting adults to meet band make something worthwhile of their relationship with eachother. She has a problem which if you  are willing, could be resolved by your love. You need to apologise to her.

 

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz
Krista Haapala sees her partner for who he is… and exactly what makes him so great.

By Krista Hammerbacher Haapala

1. He owns his power. 

A quality man stands strong in his choices. He balances his time with a clear connection to his priorities. He chooses to be exceptionally committed in each of his roles whether partner, father, professional, or others. He accepts responsibility for his actions and never blames or shirks his duties.

2. He uses direct, honest communication.

A respectful man will trust you with the truth. You know where you stand. He doesn’t lie or manipulate the facts. He is confident in his ability to communicate emotion in a productive way. He seeks solutions to issues without any passive-aggressiveness or power struggle. He maintains a demeanor of patience and compassion knowing that is the strongest stance.

3. He makes you feel secure in his presence.

A man who views you as an equal wants you to feel safe. He goes out of his way to see that your needs are met. He never intimidates or bullies, and would never resort to name-calling or talking about you with anyone else. Those behaviors are foreign to him. He respects your needs and does not judge. He wants you to feel his love.

4. He is chivalrous out of caring, not obligation.

A secure man wants to pamper you out of love, not because people think he should. He trusts your ability to take care of yourself, but is fulfilled when he can do things to take care of you. He gives gifts and attention mindfully, not just when it is called for or when it suits him. He is uninterested in how things look to others, but focuses on how your relationship feels to you.

5. He accepts, but does not expect, your caregiving.

A solid man is deeply grateful for everything you do for him. He expects nothing, but accepts your caregiving for the act of love that it is. He views you as a partner, not a housemate or a mother or his personal assistant. He asks for what he needs trusting you will ask the same of him. He is quite able to take care of himself, yet gracefully welcomes the support you choose to provide.

6. He works hard and plays hard.

A mindful man knows his boundaries and maintains his wellness. He gives his best to work and family and knows when to play. He treats his body in a balanced way. Resentment has no place in his life because he makes the space for what he knows he needs for holistic health. He exudes positive energy and values fun.

7. He overestimates your abilities.

A confident man is not threatened by your abilities nor does he diminish your strengths. In fact, he sees your capability through an optimistic lens. Never comparing or judging, he upholds the vision of your potential even when you are discouraged or depleted. He delights in and celebrates your success.

8. He asks permission.

A considerate man does not tell, he asks. Respectful of your opinion, he assesses your thoughts and takes your emotions seriously. He is decisive, but not unilaterally. He attempts to maintain focus on your common goals and vision. His permission-seeking honors the equality of agency in your relationship.

9. He listens.

An attentive man leaves plenty of space for you to share. He genuinely enjoys actively listening to your perspective and thoughtfully responds. He is constantly curious and passionate about learning how you are evolving. While he looks forward to contributing to your conversations, he takes his time to hear you out. His listening is easeful and caring out of love, not duty.

10. He loves boldly.

A loving man embraces vulnerability. He touches generously to feed your spirit. He makes eye contact. He shares his emotions regularly in word and deed. With peace and stability, he gives you his heart over and over. He is steadfast in his love and trusts in your love’s return.

 

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May 6th, 2015 by heartmatterz
He was the man of my dreams. So I went for it. And I don’t regret anything.

The last thing I expected from my senior year high school internship was to fall for an older, married man. I was looking to learn about the TV news business. I wasn’t interested in finding romance and I certainly wasn’t after a husband.

But when I met Tom our connection was immediate. I was 17; he was 42. He was old enough to be my father (though my real dad was 59 at the time). But the significant age difference didn’t impede the attraction either of us felt.

It was easy to forget about the 25 years that separating us while I was busy daydreaming about Tom’s deep voice, hearing about his crazy, drug-fueled life in the 1970s and seeing the authority and respect he commanded wherever he went.

Whenever we spoke, our age difference seemed to melt away.

Over several months, our relationship slowly progressed. We went from two people with a mutual attraction to an employee and intern that had crossed multiple lines.

For the first time in my young life, I felt confident, and knew our relationship was the major reason. The early stages of our affair were exhilarating. I always thought I was having a much better time than my classmates.

But reality was not far from my mind. A quarter-century age difference was extreme.

And Then My Parents Found Out. And His Wife.

A month prior to the end of my internship, my father, a retired Nassau County, N.Y. detective confronted Tom outside a local hotel early on a dark, dreary Saturday morning. Word was out on our affair, and it wasn’t pretty.

My mom and dad couldn’t believe their teenage daughter had spent the night with a much older, very married man.

Andrea, Tom’s then wife, was distraught—and rightfully so. My parents made me call her to apologize, and the conversation was agonizing. What do you say to the wife of the man you’re madly in love with?

“I’m sorry I had sex with your husband” doesn’t really roll off the tongue, especially when you’re far from sorry, and your connection with her husband is stronger than hers.

I also figured it best to forgo telling her I loved her husband. It’s not exactly what a wife wants to hear from another woman or, in my case, a teenager.

Morally, I knew our actions were wrong but Tom was no longer in love with his wife. At that point, their marriage was only a bond represented on paper. I was 18, legally an adult and in love, and not remorseful for my lustful actions. I also knew our feelings for one another were genuine.

It pained me to hear others categorize my feelings as a crush, or say that I was just falling for him because I was desperate for male attention. I couldn’t believe all the passion, adoration, and heartfelt laughs between us were fake or wrong.

There Are Definite Perks To Dating An Older Man

The lies we told to steal moments together were dishonest, but our love was real.

About a year later, after Tom had spent many a night in my college dorm room, our romance was still in full force, and Andrea finally told Tom he had to leave their home. He hadn’t left yet because uprooting yourself from your job, children, family, and life as you know it isn’t a Tuesday afternoon task.

It takes months of saving money, planning and goodbyes. Several months later, we had an apartment together in downtown Philadelphia.

Although it wasn’t always easy, the more time passed, the more we realized our fight to keep our relationship afloat was worth the effort. After living together for four years, we married in October 2003.

Even though no one freely admits this, there are advantages to dating an older man. They have better emotionally stability and a stronger sense about what they want out of life and a relationship. Older men are more capable of caring and not just thinking about themselves.

And let’s just hope that a 45-year-old man has a better grasp on his finances than his 25-year-old counterpart.

Plus, the sex, in my experience, is spectacular. An older guy knows the importance of sexuality and sensuality. He cares about learning the curves of your body and knowing what makes you curl your toes.

He notices if he does something that makes you cringe with revulsion. Mature men appreciate your youthful, supple flesh in a way younger men can’t, since they’ve seen firsthand what happens with age.

And There Are Some Downsides

Of course all these benefits come with a price, like the dark winter day I crouched in his attic before being confronted by his wife, or the mix of euphoria and complete self-hatred I felt the warm summer morning Tom and I drove away from his home, leaving behind his wife and two young children.

But it’s said that nothing in life is easy, so when I found true love—the man I firmly believe to be my soul mate—I didn’t walk away because the situation was complex.

If living with Tom’s children on weekends meant I could live with Tom for the rest of my life, I was game. It wasn’t a difficult decision to make.

In any relationship, you learn to take the good with the bad, but when you get involved with a much older man, you definitely have to be prepared to be judged. People, other women mostly, will wonder if you have ulterior motives and think there is no substance or love to your relationship, just blow jobs for money.

Middle-aged women often gave us looks of total disdain, and one even flipped us the bird on our wedding day.

Add to that your parents, who are likely to be concerned about your well-being. They’ll wonder if you’ll truly be happy with someone who was out of college before you were even born. They may mention that he’ll likely die before you and that you’ll be left alone.

My parents were certainly filled with anxiety about my decision, but I stood my ground and let them know they could not force me to change the way I felt.

My mom came around to the idea faster than my father, as I think is to be expected. After she spent time with Tom, she understood why I was in love. So while you may be tempted to keep your parents and your older man apart, letting them interact is crucial.

Let them see why he makes you smile.

Jealousy Is Only Natural

If anything, jealousy is sometimes an issue. Sure, any of us can exhibit the green-eyed monster, but in large age-gap relationships, this is more of a factor. In my experience, Tom was terribly jealous about me being surrounded by guys my own age when I was in college.

Over and over again I had to reassure him the 20-somethings discussing beer pong and porn really did nothing for me.

But by far the biggest factor in a relationship like mine is baggage. Are you ready to deal with your boyfriend’s children? What about his ex?

You must understand that an older man led a lot of life before he met you and accept his past to make your future together work. My advice: Don’t get hung up on the paths he took earlier in life. Focus on your life as a couple and what you want to achieve together.

If you’re in a May-December relationship or contemplating one, just remember that, like any relationship, it takes compromise and compassion to make it work. When people look at Tom and me, maybe they see our age difference, but hopefully they just see a happy couple in love.

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